I’ve kept myself busy this summer socializing and staying active. But as the summer winds down I’m feeling the pull of blogging once again.

I’ve got several posts on the burner now that I will be posting throughout the week.

I have been busy with a new kind of adventure. Directing well, co-directing. Granted this is less likely one much less likely to get me on TV. Sadly that ship sailed when I turned 20 without having managed to reproduce.
But, enough about my shattered dreams of being a teenage mother. The reason I’ve been in absentia is that I have simply been busy working on the show. Actually, I’m writing this post from a quick-change booth. However, we wrap tomorrow so I should be back at the helm of my blog anon.

Then the little doubt monster shows up for a visit, playing with its host, and slowly but surely eats away at the self-esteem and positivity. As the sense of accomplishment fades and the doubts role in, you no longer feels so ecstatic. Soon butterflies become more like stinging wasps, you could crawl out of your skin. Maybe you disasterize a bit, maybe things seem to be closing in on you. The only thing that seems certain by that point is that you’ve bombed.

That’s where I was yesterday evening before I my phone rang. I’d gotten a callback. I could have shrieked with delight, jumped up and down! What a wonderful surprise. Instead I thanked the director, hung up and skipped to the kitchen and told my father. Then I got on Facebook to message my high school director and drama coach.

But, then it started over. By the time I went to sleep, I was on the verge of grabbing a Xanax. I didn’t. This was no panic attack, just my regular reaction to the audition process.

I never have stage fright, public speaking doesn’t phase me, occasionally improve gets my anxiety going but not often. Sometimes I think that maybe this audition angst is retribution for that. Who knows, who cares. It’s part of the job, the life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Although if I got my anxiety under control, that’d be gravy.

Anybody got tips? Please comment.

Patience is definitely one of my virtues. Waiting doesn’t tend to phase me much, but when it does it really, really does. Such is the case on this beautiful spring morning.

I’m waiting for callbacks to be announced and I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind occupied until that time.

It’s not that I’ll die if I don’t get the part. Whatever the outcome, I gave as much as I could to that audition and that’s something to be proud of. To occupy my time, at least for a little while, I decided to blog a bit on my audition observations.

Actors, especially those new to the game, look for personal and artistic validation in the audition process. Which is a huge mistake for a plethora of reasons.

It’s unhealthy. I’ve learned from observation and personal experience that many actors, particularly  green ones, use the audition process as a way to judge themselves and their skill. Searching for validation in auditions is a recipe for emotional turmoil. Far too many actors come to believe that getting a role means being a good actor and vis versa. I’ll say it again; It’s unhealthy to foster that mindset. So what if you don’t audition as well as you’d hoped. Personally, I refuse to belive that there’s such a thing as a “bad” audition. Every audition, “successful’” or not, is a learning tool; use it but for heaven’s sake, don’t internalize it.

It’s also illogical. Every audition that has ever been held, and ever will be, is too full of variables to serve as a means of evaluation. I could spend the rest of my time on earth listing all the silly reasons that people get cast or don’t get cast and I wouldn’t even be close to having a complete list, so let’s just look at an extremely common scenario: You gave and earth moving performance but weren’t quite what the person casting had in mind. Believe it or not, that’s a very common reason for not getting a role. It goes without saying that if the role calls for a 12 year-old pixie like ice dancer from Cardiff and you happen to be a 72 year-old bodybuilder from Bali, you probably aren’t what the caster had in mind. More often though, subtle things can be to blame. Maybe they wanted someone 3 inches taller or 10 pounds heavier. Casting, depending on the people behind it, can be a very superficial process. Remember, though you might get passed in one audition for a particular trait, the next time you audition you could be the spitting image of the director’s artistic vision.

Nepotism is Rampant. It’s also a safety net. Remember, in any job, the interviewer is going out on a limb. He or she can only hope that the person they appoint is as trustworthy, hard-working, qualified and responsible in the long haul as in the interview/audition process. Ever notice how movies and shows created by the same person often seem to feature the same producers, actors, composers et cetera… Prior collaboration cam be better than a degree from the most prestigious MFA program. If a person knows what to expect, that’s a big plus. On that note, it’s also good to keep in mind that…

Networking is a key to success. Build good relationships with others in the industry. The world of performing arts is a very small, connected, cliquish world. Six degrees of separation? More like one or two. So remember, everything is an audition. If you give one person the wrong impression, who knows who else may get wind of it. It all boils down to the fact that having the right friends can mean being ahead of the crowd.

And finally, if you don’t get a part, See what else there is to do. The ‘these grapes are sour game is petty and indulgent. it also does nothing to help your career. If you’re not cast, ask if there is anything else you can do to help with production. It reflects well on you for future jobs, gives you a chance to network, gives you even more marketable skills and keeps you from falling out of sight and out of mind.

While I’m trying to create and keep to a consistent blogging schedule, please forgive me for neglecting my blog, I’m finding that my audition nerves are making me to unfocused to write anything too in depth and my anxiety drugs are not conducive to meaningful writing.

Later in the week, I’m planning a post on auditioning preparation and nerves. Actors, directors, other theater artists, please, please, please throw your two bits in! What are your secrets, how do you prepare, mentally, technically and otherwise? What do you look for in auditions? What do you find to be major turn-offs/death sentences for actors? Feel free to add anything else!

But since my DVR responsibilities have been cut in-half for the time being, I thought I’d do, a Snooki and try out this whole book thing.

In all honesty though, I have a ton of books and I’ve read most of them. Que Sorpresa! If you’re not a theatre person, you’re probably about to get bored. If you are though, I thought I’d share a few the books of the week.

Audition by Michael Shurtleff- This is sort of a library staple. My edition is from 1978 and I got it at a used bookstore for the price of dirt. On Amazon that particular edition sells for about $30.00 so I listed a newer edition that costs less than 10.  From what I gather, the editions are basically the same, down to the introduction by Bob Fosse.

I certainly recommend a cover to cover reading of this book. It’s too much like a textbook to be a page turner, unless you like non-fiction A Lot.  A chapter/”Guidepost” per day wouldn’t be difficult. Maybe even take notes. After you’ve read it, hang on to it because it’s a great way to boost confidence before and audition if you’re in a slump or just havent had one in a while.  I have an Audition this Monday and It’s now on my bedside table. If  sleeping with a book under my pillow worked, trust me, it’d be there.

Backwards and Forwards by David Ball- Short. Sweet. Brilliant. The subtitle, “A Technical Manual for Reading Plays,” is the perfect description. If you’ve never heard of “Trigger/Heap,” you need to read this. Hint: When you pick this up make sure to get a copy of Hamlet you don’t mind marking up. Ball uses it to guide the reader through the process.

The guide is just under 100 pages. It’s a quick read. Try reading it twice once straight through and again using Hamlet. You’ll be glad you did.

Actions: The Actors’ Thesaurus- If you’re like me or plenty of others, and have ever grasped for the right verbs during beat work, this little verb-only thesaurus may be your new best friend. It’s full of those strong, action-packed verbs that help bring the work to life. I hope I’m not jinxing myself here but, If I get the job I’m about to audition for this puppy will be at every reading, rehearsal, run-though. It’s pure gold to me.

Office Hours: March 26-April 1

Saturday- Collected and organized books, plays, journals that I’ve meant to get to. Took stock of which publications are still at my apartment and which ones came home in the impromptu move this fall.

• Need to set a date to move out.
• Create a place in room as designated work space??
• Need to contact local director and ask about upcoming auditions.

Sunday- Contacted director about Proof auditions. They will be held on Monday and Tuesday of next week. Re-read Proof.

• Prep for auditions by re-reading play several more times this week.
• Go over cold-reading technique. (A little re-assurance is always a good thing!)

Monday- Organized Resources links for blog.

Tuesday- Added this post to blog.

• Work on tentative reading schedule and prepare post for tomorrow.

Wednesday- Read from Audition by Shurtleff and re-read Proof

Thursday- Communicate with other industry bloggers, and prepare Friday round-up post. Re-read Proof

Friday- Re-read Proof. Analyze using David Ball’s Backwards & Forwards

I’ve needed more me time than I anticipated. Do I feel bad about this? Hardly. I’ve lived with mental illness for long enough to know it truly is a disability so I quite simply refuse to blame myself for being born with a condition that I did not choose or for the obstacles it presents.

However, it’s so easy to indulge in the belief that because of disability, we are no longer “masters of our fate.” And it is at those times of indulgence that “the fault… is not in our stars, but in ourselves,” as Cassius put it.

And of that indeed I am guilty. Compounding the problem is that patterns of mental illness are cyclical; at least they are for me. Behavioral patterns support chemical/neurological problems, which feed behavioral problems, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

It’s time for tough love. I’ve just started exercising again, I’ve already dropped 10 of the 30 pounds I added during my current depressive episode. I’ve actually been getting up and staying out of bed. I’m blogging again, practicing Office Hours, making plans to start going back to the barn, I even have an upcoming audition for one of my favorite plays!

Am I out of this episode yet? I don’t think so. Am I going to let that stop me from living? Don’t count on it.

Weighing struggles and reactions, I haven’t been too self-pitying or self-indulgent. That being said, it’s time to move on. Whether I’m ready to do so or not and at this point I think it’s more “not,” I have to pick myself up. I have to start rebuilding the bridges that I’ve burnt and looking for new ones. I need to start forgiving myself for the things I cannot control.

Time marches on but, there’s no time bomb set to go off if it takes a long time for me to pick up the pieces my life.

The idea is simple. The logic behind it seems like it should be intuitive. Afterall, It is, with rare exception, given that in order to grow skillful and successful in any field one must work towards that end.

Enter the artist’s Office Hour.

One would think that artists wishing to make a trade out of their craft, would  realize that they must combine the practices of artistic development with the practices of professional development. Strangely the practice, as far as I can tell, is not common.

• The growing artist is expected to explore and experiment and reflect, if he truly wants to have skill enough to stand out from the crowd.
• The professional must know her industry, who to schmooze, how to be appealing to prospective employers, so on and so forth if she has any hope of standing apart from the ever increasing competition.

It’s about changing image and expectation.

• Every artist needs to learn to be his or her own biggest advocate when it comes to building a successful career.
• The artist who struggles to view themselves as truly professional, is more likely to be his or her own biggest obstacle.

In my next entry, I will look at some possible activities and ideas for creating Office Hours. Until then, I’ll say that, while an Office Hour should somehow advance, enrich or support professional artistry, it isn’t really clearly defined in my book. Get creative with it and remember; regularly taking time to plan the road from community theatre to the Academy Awards, should be a no brainer!